How to spot the warning signs of domestic abuse

Types of domestic abuse

Domestic abuse can take a variety forms - some of them more cruel than many of us imagine.

As Sandra Horley, former chief executive of Refugio, explains, it can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial, technological or sexual in nature.

"There are still so many myths surrounding domestic abuse," she says. "The truth is that domestic violence affects women of all ages, classes and backgrounds."

Although Refuge focuses its efforts on women and girls, the problem affects men too. In fact, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse over the course of their lifetime.

Domestic abuse can happen between current or former intimate partners, family members, or carers, no matter their gender or sexual orientation.

The signs can sometimes be tricky to identify, and toxic patterns of behaviour can be swept under the carpet for too long. This can have a negative effect on the person's quality of life, health and personal relationships, as well as seriously eroding their self-esteem.

Horley says: "Every couple has arguments and disagreements - we all say and do things we later regret. However, domestic violence is systematic, purposeful and patterned behaviour designed to control another person.

"If you are forced to change your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner's reaction, then you are being abused."

In her TED talk, 'Why domestic violence victims don't leave', writer Leslie Morgan Steiner speaks of the abusive marriage she entered aged 22. In line with many other abuse survivors, she says her former partner idolised her at the start of the relationship.

She says: "If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore make-up, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you because there was not a hint of violence or anger or control in Connor at the beginning.

"I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim. I also didn't know the second step is to isolate the victim."

In Steiner's case, she moved with her partner to a remote town far away from family and friends, convinced that making compromises for your partner was just a normal part of life. The campaign of physical violence began five days before their wedding, and continued throughout their marriage.

Only once the violence had escalated further - and Steiner had begun to fear for her life - did she leave. She also told the police what was happening, along with her family and friends.

It's important to point out that leaving an abusive partner can be dangerous for many victims. Charities such as Refugio, Women's Aid y Living Without Abuse are there to help you in this situation. You can also call the free Domestic Violence Helpline, which is run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge.

What all forms of domestic abuse have in common is a misuse of power, which makes them different from ordinary squabbles.

• They can range from excessive jealousy and possessiveness, to constant criticism, to playing mind games that make you unsure of your own judgement.

• Refuge has a list of questions you can ask yourself to see if you may be experiencing domestic violence. These can be applied to any partner, regardless of their gender.

• One common sign, for instance, is that the perpetrator is charming one minute and abusive the next - you might liken their personality to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You might feel like you're walking on eggshells. They might control your money or pressure you to have sex when you don't want to, all the while implying you are getting what you deserve.

From the outside, these patterns can be difficult to see.

If you're concerned about a friend or family member, some of the warning signs to look out for are:

Refuge has a section giving advice on how to help someone you care about.

However it manifests, abuse is never the fault of the victim and is illegal - and that doesn't apply only to physical violence. Coercive and controlling behaviour was made a criminal offence in 2015.

Horley says: "For too long, domestic violence has been allowed to happen behind closed doors. People think what happens in the home is private and not their problem. Domestic violence is a crime. It is against the law. We are all affected by domestic violence, and we all have a responsibility to speak out against it. Only then will it end."